Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village blacksmith sat
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And coming off in his hat
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
From the day the male foetus' hands grow long enough to grasp at their
'third leg', until the man in question is dead and buried, the penis is a
constant source of amusement and amazement to those of the male gender.
At some point in their lives, all men experience periods where
sexual companionship is lacking. They must therefore resort to the
stimulation or manipulation of their own genitals in order to achieve
orgasm. Couples often sub-contract masturbation to each other, although
masturbating somebody else requires polished technique. For the sake of a
relationship, the recipient will often report the experience
pleasurable, before running off to the loo to cover his penis area with
soothing cream.
The English language offers a plethora of
different words and terms to describe this act. A few examples are:
tossing, ham-boning, beating the dummy/meat and spanking the monkey.
In times past, sexual self-gratification was considered an unclean act,
even a sin. Sperm was believed to have been created for procreational
purposes only. Nowadays masturbation is not a punishable offence in most
civilised countries, although tossing off in public is generally
frowned upon.
Implying somebody masturbates is considered an
insult although it's the only insult that's true of 99% of Earth's
population. The remaining 1% are very tense.