The World's Funniest
Collection of
Masturbation Synonyms
For women:
- Applying nail polish remover
- Auditioning the finger puppets
- Brushing your afro
- Buttering your bagel
- Checking for squirrels
- Checking the foxhole
- Checking the oil
- Checking the status of the I/O port
- Cleaning my fur coat
- Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
- Defrosting the freezer
- Dialing the rotary phone
- Diggin' the stench trench
- Digging for my keys
- Doing my nails
- Doing something for my chapped lips
- Doing the two-finger slot rumba
- Double-clicking your mouse
- Draining the tuna
- Drilling for oil
- Dusting the endtable
- Feeding the bearded clam
- Filling the pink taco
- Filling your niche
- Finding yourself
- Fingering something out
- Finishing the job
- Fishing for cumpliments
- Fishing for mackerel
- Flipping the light switch repeatedly
- Flossing the cat
- Fluffing the kitty
- Gagging my meat hole
- Gagging the clam
- Getting a lube job
- Getting a stain out of my carpet
- Getting a stinky pinky
- Getting the last pickle out of the jar
- Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
- Going deep sea diving
- Going to and from the Batcave
- Hand tossing the tuna salad
- Having ladyfingers and cream
- Hitchhiking South
- Indoor fishing
- Jilling off
- JocelynEldering
- Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
- Making your own gravy
- Menage a moi
- Mistressbate
- Muffin buffin'
- Nail polish remover
- Nursing a hatchet wound
- Opening the bottom drawer
- Paddling the pink canoe
- Parting the Red Sea
- Petting the kitty
- Playing the clitar
- Playing the slots
- Polishing the wedding ring
- Preheating the oven
- Priming the pump
- Reading braille
- Reading the map of Tasmania
- Riding the unicycle
- Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
- Romancing thy own
- Rubbin Hood
- Rubbin' the nubbin
- Scraping the cheese off the taco
- Searching for Ms. "G"
- Shebopping
- Shucking the fresh water clam
- Slapping Susie
- Slapping the mackerel
- Sliding into home
- Soaking in Palmolive
- Spanking your puppy on the nose
- Spearing the bearded clam
- Spelunking in the mystery cave
- Stirring the soup
- Strumming the big open C
- Surfing the web
- Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
- Taking a dip in the lake
- Teasing the little man in the canoe
- Testing the waters
- The magical disappearing finger trick
- The ole feel n' squeal
- Tickling the kitty
- Tiptoe through the TwoLips
- Tossing the pink salad
- Twinkling the little star
- Two-finger taco tango
- Unclogging the drain
- Visiting Niagra Falls
- Visiting your safety deposit box
- Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
- Washing your fingers
- Whipping your cream
- Working out at the Y
for Men:
- A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
- Auditioning the hand puppet
- Badgering the witness
- Beating the fuck out of your best friend
- Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
- Beating the snot outta Rotney
- Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
- Blueball baseball
- Calling down for more Mayo
- Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
- Caping the crusader
- Cheating on your other hand
- Checking the plumbing
- Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
- Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
- Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
- Committing mass spermicide
- Decongesting the weasel
- Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
- Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
- Dropping the kids off at the pool
- Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
- Evicting the testicular squatters
- Firing the presidential staff
- Fishing for zipper trout
- Five-finger discount
- Flogging your dumber brother
- Foreplay with Fistina
- Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
- Freeing the hostages
- Freeing Willy
- Getting your palm red
- Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
- Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
- Giving the seamen shore leave
- Giving yourself a helping hand
- Giving yourself a low five
- Having a play date with your little friend
- Having a puppet show in your pants
- Having a staff meeting
- Hitchhiking under the Big Top
- Launching the morning missile
- Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
- Making special sauce with frank and beans
- Making the bald guy cry
- Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
- Making the llama spit
- Manhandling your man-handle
- Milking the bull
- Million sperm march
- My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
- One-handed workout
- Opening up a bottle of Squirt
- Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
- Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
- Playing the stand-up organ
- Playing with Yoosef
- Polishing the family jewels
- Polishing the hot rod
- Polishing the purple people pleaser
- Practicing for the Big Game
- Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
- Rapid one arm pull-ups
- Releasing the Olympic Doves
- Riding the Great White Knuckler
- Romancing the bone
- Roughing the passer
- Roughing up the suspect
- Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
- Running in single-user mode
- Running off a batch by hand
- Sanding the obelisk
- Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
- Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
- Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
- Shaking the hand of the self-employed
- Shooting tadpoles at the moon
- Shooting the pump action porridge gun
- Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
- Spackling the ceiling
- Spending some quality time with yourself
- Spilling my children on my belly
- Spit-polishing the purple helmet
- Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
- Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
- Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
- Taking little Elvis to Graceland
- Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
- Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
- Target practice with the yogurt gun
- Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
- Tenderizing the tube steak
- Test-firing the meat missile
- Testing the hand cream dispenser
- Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
- Tube sock tango
- Warming up the altar boy's dinner
- White-water wristing
- Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
- Zygote spraying
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